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How to park like a pro: A salty guide to taking up two car bays
Welcome, aspiring car park menaces! Are you tired of toeing the line? If so, you're in the right place. This here is your ultimate guide to mastering the art of atrocious car parking. We’ll walk you through the finer points of parking like nobody's watching – because let's face it, you certainly won't be.
So dial down that spatial awareness, and dial up the sense of entitlement. Use these tips wisely and you'll build your reputation as a nuisance parker in no time!
First: choose your poor parking style
While you could freestyle it, there are two proven options when you intend to take up multiple car spaces.
Option 1: The Skew
The first poor parking style is pulling up out of alignment so you breach the space next to yours. An acute angle is most common, but if you’re a true agent of chaos you’ll go 45 degrees or beyond, causing a cascade of other drivers to park their car out of alignment too. Bonus points if you can park across three bays simultaneously. Remember: you don’t need to leave room for drivers next to you to enter their vehicle, because it’s a commonly known fact that humans can compress their bodies like snakes to get through small spaces.
Option 2: The Straddle
The second popular poor parking style is to pull up directly over a white line, clearly asserting your dominance and demonstrating to everyone in the vicinity that you think your car is better than theirs. In fact, your car is twice as good – hence twice the space! While some see parking lines as an important symbol of a civilised society, you see them more as a threat to your pearlescent paint finish. So go forth and straddle with pride. Heck – why not break out the traffic cones and the velvet rope while you’re at it? That’ll really keep the plebs away.
